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The Search for the Perfect Wiener

by R.W. Phields


Posted on March 20, 2017


The Perfect Wiener

With all of the various wieners in the world, picking out the perfect one is not an easy task. There are small wieners, enormous wieners, straight wieners, crooked wieners, and Anthony Weiners. Due to the enormous sizes and variations of wieners across the globe, finding the perfect wiener could also be very time consuming.

I knew that finding the perfect wiener would require more than just my limited knowledge, so I set out to interview three experts who could provide insight on the characteristics of a perfect wiener - a Catholic priest, an adult film star, and a florist. For obvious reasons, the names have been withheld to preserve anonymity.

I decided to begin my search by speaking with the florist. I thought he could provide a unique insight into the world of wieners. He told me that he and his partner, Steve, host gatherings all of the time that feature a variety of wieners.

"Well, I think it's just silly to only pick one type of wiener," said the florist. "One thing they definitely all need to have in common is they need to be more thick than long. I don't want to put it halfway down my throat just to taste some meat."

I took note of the florist's observation, since he and his partner's particular interest in wieners was mentioned quite often. Multiple times, he pointed out the fact that they loved to smoke sausage above all things. After ending my discussion with this gentleman, I felt it was time to move in a completely opposite direction, so I visited my community Catholic Church. I ran into a priest who happened to be new at the church, coming off his seventh transfer, an issue he did not wish to discuss at the time.

The priest said that any wiener is adequate, as long as it's small.

"Small wieners ... in my mouth ... all day," said the priest. "I don't even want to smell it if it's longer than a couple of inches."

The priest said small wieners always feel firm, and they hold a lot more flavor. He said these same small wieners are on display every time his priest friends from the other diocese come to visit.

Since wieners and Catholic priests go together like pancakes and syrup, the priest's idea of a perfect wiener weighed heavily in my thoughts. But, it was time to stop thinking with my big head. I decided to end my search with a visit to a female adult porn star, who initially seemed very confused by the question, "what is a perfect wiener?"

I ended up modifying my question to allow for multiple types of "perfect" wieners.

"In the morning, I want something small ... don't want to start my day with anything heavy," she said. "By the afternoon, when my insides have expanded a bit, I'm ready for the biggest wiener around."

The adult film star, like many other women in her profession, have an extravagant nightlife. After 10 p.m., every wiener is the perfect wiener.

"Tons of my guy friends come over with weed, and before you know it, there are way more wieners than I can handle," she said. "But, I always try. It's wasteful to leave a good wiener."

The search for the perfect wiener ended up leaving many questions, but one common theme among all of the interviewed experts led to an answer. It does not matter whether the wiener is small or long, thick or thin, crooked or straight, a bratwurst or a hot dog; the only common criteria found to determine the perfect one is that it be served with mustard only. Ketchup does not belong on a wiener.

Written By R.W. Phields

RW Phields is an expert in figuring out how presidents from the future would handle things now and wieners.