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How To Make A Shit Sandwich

by J Ward


Posted on February 13, 2017


A Shit Sandwich

Ingredients

  • A president of 8 years who, according to a frightening amount of Americans, may or may not have been born outside the US but was definitely a black guy
  • 1 shitty national healthcare plan
  • 1 billionaire reality star (possibly bat shit crazy)
  • 1 very unlikable political figure who also happens to be a woman
  • 1 extremely loveable Jewish socialist
  • A group of the worst menagerie of conservative candidates imaginable
  • A possible touch of Russian influence
  • Multiple news outlets that may have forgotten how to report on the news without showing bias
  • Millions of poopy pants supporters of the loveable Jewish socialist
  • Millions of American voters who, while not believing themselves racist, still sometimes refer to African Americans as “those people”
  • Millions of Democrats who must really have been indifferent to their own candidate
  • Millions of women who obviously don’t give a shit about pussy grabbing
  • Millions of Midwest voters who may, or may not, know the philosophical differences between Republicans and Democrats

Preparation

Take the 8 years of a black president and mix it with the millions of Americans who, while not believing themselves racist, still sometimes refer to African Americans as “those people”. Let it marinate until said voters become very uncomfortable with the black president. (They truly don’t believe it’s his race that makes them uncomfortable but they know they don’t trust him. They’ll call him things like Socialist and the devil because they can’t call him what they really want to call him (in their heart of hearts hint - rhymes with jigger) in front of other people.)

Take the premise of a promising looking healthcare plan from Maine, show zero backbone as a political party, and compromise the hell out of it until it turns into a shitty national healthcare plan. Credit the shitty healthcare plan to the president by going as far as attaching his name to it in a negative way.

Once a sizeable portion of the population has enough of the (maybe foreign born) black president and shitty healthcare plan, hold a presidential election.

For the election, add in the reality star, unlikable political figure and lovable Jewish socialist and mix that shit up for 15 months with tons of TV* coverage from multiple news outlets.

*As the news outlets may have forgotten how to report without bias, coverage may slightly favor one candidate over the others.

Hold primary elections. On one side, hold spirited debates between unlikable political figure and the lovable Jewish socialist. Make sure, no matter how much sense the unlikable political figure makes in the debates, the news media gives more coverage to the lovable Jewish socialist. Let him make claims, like free college and healthcare without any plans for how Americans will pay for it. This will make him even more popular with young people since they all want everything for free. On the other side, put the reality star up the worst menagerie of conservative candidates imaginable and make them yell at each other.

Toward the end of the election, throw in a little bit of spice. First, leak information that one of the political parties cheated to award the nomination to the unlikable political figure over the lovable Jewish socialist. Second, leak a tape of the crazy billionaire bragging about grabbing women by the pussy. Third, throw in some possible Russian influence for the billionaire. Finally, come up with a way to make the already unlikable political figure even more unlikable right before voting day, possible by claiming her incompetence through using unsecured email servers, or something like that. If dick pics could somehow be involved, even better. Dick pics make everything taste better.

On election day, take the millions of poopy pants supporters of said loveable Jewish socialist and keep them at home out of spite. Take the millions of American voters who don’t believe themselves racist and have them turn out in greater numbers than projected. Get the millions of women who obviously don’t give a shit about pussy grabbing and have them actually vote for the guy who brags about grabbing pussy.

Now this next step is very important so pay attention because this can totally wreck your shit sandwich if you don’t do it right. Take the millions of voters in Midwest states that may or may not know the philosophical differences between Republicans and Democrats and have them turn out en masse in areas where the (possible non-American born) black president won in previous elections.
Once complete, top everything off by having millions of Democrats who must really have been indifferent to their own candidate stay at home.

Once the election is over, let everything fester until inauguration day. Your shit sandwich should be ready right after that.

(serves up to 4 years)

Written By J Ward

Jayme is the founder of A Guy and His Monkey. His weiner may not be long but it sure is short.

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